When You Discover Someone in Your Family Has a Substance Abuse Disorder

Leigh and I lost our son, Mark, June 1, 2019. He was thirty five years old. He had lived with a substance abuse disorder for eighteen (18) years of his life. We lived every minute of this disease with him.

So, you discover someone you love has a substance abuse disorder. We are working on changing the language about this disease for ourselves as well. The term 'addiction' may still be applicable to those with a substance abuse disorder, but in our opinion, the term 'addict' is not. This word has so much negative connotation, and stigma, attached to it. This word dehumanizes the person who is sick. We do not make up words for those sick with cancer, do we? Or someone with the flu, do we call them a 'flu-ict'? Of course not, the person is NOT the disease. We love them.

So you discover someone you love has a substance abuse disorder.

First of all - denial. That cannot be true! Not our son, daughter, cousin, nephew, niece, aunt, uncle, mother, father, friend - husband, wife - not them! There must be some mistake. Denial! Another parent or friend may call - do you know they are using, selling, etc? Denial - at first. Not my ... They can't be ... Guess what - they were, they did, they are, and that is just the way it is! Most children, and adults, in this 'modern' age have at least tried marijuana, but even reefer isn't safe any more. It is almost all treated with some 'additive' (check this out) to make the 'weed' more potent, and who knows, there may be some worse drug yet to be discovered.

Once denial has settled in , and been discarded, then comes resolve to take action - oh my, we have to help them, fix them, cure them, get them into treatment, rehab, 'tough love' them, take them to counseling, advise them, etc. etc. etc. and probably some things I have missed. Guess what? THAT WILL NOT WORK EITHER. IT IS A MISPLACED EMOTION. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL MAKE THEM WANT TO RECOVER. RECOVERY IS THEIR CHOICE, NOT YOURS. SOME PEOPLE RECOVER, SOME NEVER DO. THERE IS NO CURE, ONLY RECOVERY AT BEST. 

In our experience, 'tough love' is a waste of time, we tried it, and it did not work. What your loved one needs is a safe place to eat and sleep, someone to listen to them, and guidelines - like please do not 'use' in our home. This may, or may not work. 'Tough love' only drives people away, but may seem to work, or at least your loved one becomes more adept at hiding their 'using'. Recovery is their choice, not yours.

Your emotional and mental state will 'roller coaster', high and low, up and down, sideways. Your loved one will lie to you, they will steal from you, but more on that in later posts. Our recommendation is to get involved in a program such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, a private counselor, church groups, or some other such effort to restore, preserve, and adapt your own emotional and mental health state. Leigh and I went to Nar-Anon meetings, and if none are available where you live, please try Al-Anon, or church groups. Be open and honest as to why you are there, and let the program work for you as much as possible.

Above all, focus on yourself, your emotional and mental health, not on the loved one with the substance abuse disorder, as they will occupy your thoughts and time in ways you did not think were even possible. Most people discover there comes a day when the 'program' is no longer needed, but the socializing is, and that is okay.

Leigh and I have relied upon our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, as well as these other groups, to help us maintain our emotional and mental health. And with Mark's passing, our daily prayers, and devotions, as well as the Holy Rosary have helped us manage our grief and sorrow. We pray these will work for you as well. Comments are always welcome, and please feel free to share new insights.